You might think that spring would be a pleasant time for me- for us. Full of flowers and other signs of re-birth, it surely would be a time to rejoice that the dormancy of winter is soon to be a thing of memory. It should be a happy time.
But as much as it is (at least on paper) a good time of year, and there are signs that the year is moving on as it is supposed to, there are also reminders of the bad that happened last year about this time. It all was being brought into sharper focus about a year ago, but it had actually started much earlier.
Much of the weirdness had been happening around this time without my knowledge and involved other family members. I would hear of that more towards the middle of May when I was also preparing to get you out of the hospital. I will not speak of that here.
Actually, around a year ago you were getting sicker by the day. I was hoping that you would make it through the one last month. At times last April I was sure you would not make it to May 1st. But against all odds, you have made it quite nicely by all accounts- particularly those of your doctors. Not that any of it has been easy. And a year later, where are we?
Memories. Most for you are not pleasant, and I know many of them are alive again as the one year anniversary nears. For me, the anniversary is also stressful, but in a different way than it is for you.
But what is true for me is that even though I visited you daily, and I was there for many of the unpleasant things that you do not remember, I could always go home at the end of the day. You were left to wonder. When would I come back? Would you ever get out of there? And even if you got out, what then?
Yes, while you were stuck there, I could in fact, leave. But I came back here to an empty house to try to keep it all running and to ponder where I would be if my worst fears were realized. What if you did not come back? And even if I got you back, what then? I was no doubt luckier than you. I was the one on the outside. I still could do what I had been doing all along.
Here we are a year later, and you still are struggling to get past the experience. And I am still able to do what I have always done, despite a flare-up of my own issues from time to time.
I have a tendency in my life to want to fix things that are broken in the lives of those I love, and I find I am not equipped to fix this for you. I could not really help much a year ago. And now it is not much better except for a different perspective now that I did not have back then.
A friend explained to me that while men tend to try to fix things, sometimes women just need to know that they can vent. Allowing them to vent is a way to help them to get through the issues they struggle to overcome. You cannot fix everything. Be understanding and listen.
I know that she is right. But it doesn’t make it easier. Listening to venting may help, but it doesn’t seem like it is enough.
Memory is the Key 